this is it

my last day being a seventeen year old girl

i thought id be more sad

i thought id be happier

funny how im excited for my birthday

but becoming an adult? Maybe not so keen

but im looking forward to it anyway

ive accepted tomorrow im 18

and maybe i shouldnt be sad

cause being older means doing new things in life

and maybe its not so bad

i guess im just trying to give it a chance

a chance to adulthood

that it wont be so monotone and life draining

that it wont be so hard maintaining

my health, my mind, my hobbies, me

that ill still be that girl that looses hours drawing

loves listenning to music and writing

that ill never loose the colors that come with youthfullness

even if my skin starts to strech

i maybe looking way ahead

ill be only 18 after all

but somehow that seems like the most life changing number of all

So… when you are a child and people take you down you grow up pretty messed up right? You can work on it but its due to happen.

Now what I think it’s not acknowlegded a lot is when your family worships you in a way when you are a child. So you grow up thinking you are just naturally good, good at everything that you do.

That’s obviously not true but children internalize that and I would say it leads to acadamic pressure and people pleasing. When can see this in characters like Rory Gilmore, I know lots of people hate her arc and I think it’s an eye opener and an accutare fall from grace of a “perfect child”

I personally, feel like I’m always competing with the image poeple have of me, trying to keep up with all the expections my family has of me since i was a child.

I know this isn’t coming from a bad place but it is harmful. Also, when people complement certain aspects of yorself and then tell you you are good they are rooting in you the way of thinking that your self worth is rooted in your capability to do something. As a teenager I can understand that that’s not really true but from a young age that is, again, really harmful. Even if you don’t realize it.

I actually wrote a poem about this, the italicization lines are set in childhood and youth and the normal ones are the reprecussions those have (it’s pretty self-explanatory really).

i’m good

everybody says i’m lovely

i draw well

i’m smart

and creative

i can make up stories and draw the pictures myself

i have good grades thusfore i am good

i like to read so i am smarter

i’m good at everything i do

funny how thruthfully manipulative that is

is the kind of support that crushes your selfesteem later

is the kind of compliments that will threaten your sense of self

i dont want to draw anymore

i’m not that good at writting

i’m still creative

so i HAVE to have good grades

What happens when you grow and sudently you don’t know who you are

‘cause you aren’t good at everything

and the things you are good at aren’t things you like

what happens when you have a bad day

so you have a bad grade

so you re bad?

Hope it was helpful or interesting!

Joana

that’s what i’m here to do

but when it’s said like a task

my brain goes blank

it’s like a curse, a spell someone cast

i am now writting a poem

but it’s not the one i should

i’m suposed to be writting about a person

a specific one

i only wish i could

my hands are controlling me

choosing to write around the writting

to avoide the writting itself

i tried to think and stared at ceiling

but so far it doesnt help

so now i’ve wasted more words

i’ve wasted time and metaphors

my mind has a thick layer of foam

and all i had to do was write a poem

the hour of pie

does that mean its infinite

or is that luxury a thing you’d have to buy?

Pie my dear number

my awaeking hour of dread

staring hearing nothing

not living, not dead

its supose to be sweet

pie, i mean

but i think they accidentally

added a “bitter” before

how much would it weigh?

if my existencial thoughts

were counted in pounds of sugar

id be diabetic for sure

but i look to the clock on my right

projecting that taunting red light

the only one in this room

and see that is 3:15

the pondering meant to mend

has now come to an end

To know how to put words together

Match making them into pairs

Putting commas and dots

And seeing if the sentence cares

I used to be a dreamer

To ponder about pondering

Amazingly aware of anything and nothing

While still idealizing something

I used to crave ink on paper

I’d ask for that as my last meal

I used to purposely get lost on pages

Reading in any situation was no big deal

I used to draw like electricity

Not in the sense of skill

But in the sense of drive and passion

Much like poets words spread out before he can stop them

The colors and shades poured out of me

And there was no other place I’d rather be

But now my nights are dreamless

I have nothing to write about

Cause my brain lost immersive capabilities

Such as pondering about life

And reading about feelings

Without feelings there goes the motivation

And my hand has no callused fingers

The colors forgot their way

I forgot how to be me

But the poor craving still lingers

My most prized possession

Records everything and nothing at all

Something is wrong with the span of its attention

I can find there all kinds of facts

Recorded over time

They appear to me randomly

Specially when I’m looking for something else

Thats when the footage seems to disappear

Or to turn so blurry its left to interpretation

Did that car colide into another?

Or was it the product of my imagination?

The rewind buttons are malfunctioning

And I have a limited amount of space

Sometimes it erases footage itself

Im left with the most recent HD videos

Of course bad quality is a vibe

So I keep some core videos close to me

Sadly sometimes there’s a flood in my hard drive

So I keep questioning what I see

It must be

One second the government collapses

Next we’re watching reality TV

We as a society normalized chaos

And we desire it like nicotine

After all, our attention span is vanishing

It’s normal for us to crave some adrenaline

Oh yes, sure, another flood in Spain

another derailed train

But look, an ad about how you can flush

all worries down the drain

Don’t worry about the climate

Listen to ASMR instead

After all, you’re not the only one on this planet

Let them handle it and go to bed

It’s all fun and memes

Until some kid in Italy ends up dead

You see rumors in comments through TikTok

But tell people it was somewhere you read

They say it’s this generation’s fault

With all the videos with the opinions

They never shut their mouths

But really we just fell here

And want to validate our crash outs

Only 100 years ago we were in the roaring 20’s

Ascending in fashion technology and jazz

Our twenties were wild for sure

But not great, the kind only a pandemic has

Cause then people were building with hunger

The world that now all of us are watching burn

But especially for us that are younger

This concept is so strange

Since we have never known a world without the flames

But wait, what’s more important?

The governor’s corruption

Or the slang teenagers use nowadays

How dare they be so curious?

How dare they get lost in this maze?

This century is really a fever dream

That will cost future historians

brain cells trying to explain

How could this time period be so fast-changing and dramatic

But also so detached and emotionally vain

They’ll study our brains

Preserved in computers and holograms

To understand all the pain and wars

But also to decode slang and why we decided to stop driving our cars

We are living life through a screen

Thinking it won’t mean a thing

But before the world burns down lets put out the smoke

‘Cause of problems, there isn’t a small amount

This world is a joke

She watches with her head fixed looking up

To the world that’s so much bigger than her

She looks at her mom, her sister and her brother

What she would give to be a little taller

She would go to bed every night without putting up a fit

She would eat the broccoli and even repeat

‘Cause she wants to be more

Have more power, make more decisions

Do all the things grown ups can do

They say she’s not ready “enjoy being a child”

But she thinks she could too

-------------------------------------------------

There’s this woman

She’s beautiful and decisive

But she’s a little lost

Not on her goals but on life itself

She spent too much time desiring independence

That she forgot how to ask for help

She never got to enjoy not knowing

Not wanting to know

Just starring at the clouds

‘Cause her eyes were set up, but still on earth grounds

She’s always busy, always late

stopping, however

That’s one decision she never made

---------------------------------------------------

There’s this old lady

She’s sweet but worn out

She has good stories but can’t tell them out loud

There’s no one to share them to, but she made herself proud

She’s alone ‘cause she never had time for love

Is she rich? Is she poor?

Well, all of the above!

Money isn’t her problem but resentment is inevitable

When someone who couldn’t stop was still for too long

Her mind started to remember…

She’s wishes for more power to do more things

She can’t believe life as passed so fast, feels like a crime

She begs to make more decisions

She’ll make better ones this time

Joana :)

Looking for the right video to watch

Looking for which words to highlight

Looking for what bus to catch

Existing right there in plain sight

But not living

When you stop, time doesn’t.

It might even go faster just to spite you

So I will not tell you to live in the present

‘Cause there’s no way to live in the future or the past

What you can do is waste all your seconds even though you don’t know which will be the last

In the end there weren’t great videos

I highlighted everything which means nothing changed

And the bus never came so I just kept waiting looking slightly deranged

I spent brain cells and time staring at the ceiling

Never knowing what im feeling

‘Cause even when things are great there’s always a catch

And I never goddamn know what video to watch

What if I say no?

“Oh, but that is going off script

You’re supposed to say yes, I’m fine, thanks”

But I’m tired of lying to people’s faces.

So I said no.

And she looked at me in an awkward way

The kind of look that reveals she didn’t want to stay

And be obliged to ask why

Fake that she cared,

Cause she doesn’t, in an obvious way

No one does, but no one admits

Cause it’s an unspoken rule I just broke

How dare I be less than what the consciousness of these people can handle leaving?

She asked to make herself feel good

How great is she for considering the pain of others

I bet she’ll buy a new lipstick today

She deserves it

For putting up with my complaints

Always starving for attention

I’m not ok. Did I forget to mention?

But acknowledging that - oh no

It’s forbidden.

How come I’m hurt?

Didn’t you get the memo?

We are always ok all the time

Even when we are broken, we are always fine.

Even when there’s no hope, we are always alright.

But suddenly I’m pulled back into reality

“Are you ok honey?”

Always that same empty line

I looked at her and said

“Yes ma’am, I’m fine.”

Fortunately

But wha’ts not said

Isn’t as grounded in reality

So sometimes I try writing

Even though it never works

Cause while it’s in secret

I keep imagining people reading my words

I own all these thoughts

But some topics may be more sensitive

So if I do choose lo leave a paper trail

I always end up being performative

Bonus points for poetry

Cause everything can be a code

I can let myself drop the act

And be on a “truly me” mode

The truth is I lie to all even to myself

I can’t fathom anyone knowing my mind

Feels like a violation

But I’m also ashamed

which worsens the situation

I can’t bare the possibility of being exposed

I like to think things without judgement

Without leverage

Freely

And thats why

I lie to my diary

Joana :)

But in my feet lingers the feeling of the sand

And though it’s long forgotten

I still ache for the touch of your hand

I smell the flowers and feel the snow

Hearing our past in my mind

I recall those memories not long ago

Why can’t I place the time?

It’s a conspiracy theory

The moon and sky

Joined forces for the sake of our misery

Leaving me living this lie

Time lost it’s way

It’s been a century since February

But January was yesterday

This year is a foggy dream but I don’t care

It’s just that parts of it are so vivid

It’s as if I am there

The train was so fast it pasted my station

It’s like a fleeting memory

The only proof of it not being imagination

Are the traces preserved in my body

It feels like a flashback

It feels like a jump ahead

I don’t know when I am

When did you leave?

When did my feet leave the sand

And my hand let go of your sleeve?

Couldn’t we slow time to try again?

Joana :)

I used to notice small displays on the streets

Or hear the laughter of parents with their kids

Now I see none of the above

I think with time the world got colder

Is it just cause now I’m older?

I don’t see affection and brightness like before

Is there still real love? Someone I can adore?

What’s worse is that the world noticed

But everybody nodded along

It just took a few superficial love songs

And everyone moved on

But I still crave genuine connection

Not sexual or just out of site

I want to love and be loved

Not due to my body, but despite

But love and people had a divorce

There’s this space now

Like an invisible wall

Like an outer force

The streets got shorter in width

Maybe that’s why couples can’t walk holding hands on it

Maybe it was all a myth

People don’t dance in the kitchen

Cause now songs only make you cry

Couples don’t laugh and share

They just play the game of who tells a better lie

Did we not see it pass through our eyes?

We were distracted by the novels

Life gets so romanticized

But the truth is buried, and we carry the shovels

Let’s make the streets longer

Let’s break out of this morbid pace

Cause what a distraught thought

Of people not loving one another

Just cause there wasn’t any space

Joana ;)

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We live on this blue ball
In the middle of suspended air
Who invented the rules after all?
Except this ball is a square, is a cage
Are we all just puppies on a stage?

These four walls that are my mind
Start to wonder if there’s more out there
If they’re being contained
Trapped inside myself as well as in this society
I fear we’re all being tamed

Who said that I can’t scream in the middle of the street?
This has a chokehold on my thoughts
What stops me from being free?
I’m trying to connect all the dots

‘ Cause if humans made society
Why did we vow upon it then?
‘Cause man made the structure
But now structure makes the men

Is it weird i think time has colors?

I imagine colors fade with time like pages of old books that were once white but now are as yellow as a sunflower

Time

Time is always taking a tole on us, constantly, forever

Its an underlying truth that we are growing old every second of our lives

So…

Today I realized im growing up

That should be obvious but it isn’t

It sneaks up on you when you aren’t thinking

Because the room I’ve slept every night since i came to this world is not going to be my room forever

Eventually i will leave my comfort zone my space my childhood my mom my nest

Of course theres no need to panic because its not tomorrow

Expect tomorrow can feel an awful lot close

What used to be a strange abstract concept in my mind has become near future and very much real

It makes me feel sad and nostalgic

And the nostalgia concernes me since im sixteen and not sixty

Ive been remembering traits i used to have and little moments, they seem insignificant enough to be forgotten about and no one notices when they’re gone but they make the big picture

The colors we used to see as children were bright weren’t they

I used to smell everything, feel everything, love everything

The world hasn’t changed rather my perspective has, i have, I’ve grown

Those little changes make the diference between bright colors and more faded ones, between the vivid reds and yellows of childhood and the monotonous gray of adulthood

And that pretty much somes up what being a teenager is

The teen years are the middle child

Teenagers are too childish to be adults and too mature too be children

We might be living in an illusion that everything was easier then… or is it an illusion?

At that time, school was our playground, our magical kingdom where we were princesses and vampires with our classmates that at the time we didnt despise.

Now a days we enter school with the goal to return home to our damn phones

To that atractive universe that is the internet However, looks can deceive, everything is fake news, everything has some filter

Children don’t have filter

People say that like its bad but why have a filter

Why let society fade your colors when you have the pureness of a young kid who is just now discovering the world

A world full of possibilities and infinite dreams that later will be crushed by harsh realities

Why grow up

Well im a teenager so im constantly seeking the fun and genuine happiness i had when i was younger while still trying to became more independent

Im often frustrated when people treat me like a child but feel lost when people assume i already know something and would appreciate explanations, detailed as much as possible thanks

Im aware i don’t know everything on the contrary of what some adults might think

But this fake feeling of control, in spite of being completely delusional keeps me from spiraling when i don’t know what to do next

That tends to be difficult since life is unpredictable

And in the end we are always growing

So i think i have to enjoy the moment

Stop worshiping the past and stop fearing the future because the only thing that exists right now is the present

I also hope the colors that we truly are don’t fade so much with our progress in life, i think that if we cherish them we’ll always carry a little of our child with us

How strange that a mundane action like that holds so much power over us

It’s as simple as a blink of an eye but much harder to wrap it around in your mind

I started wondering though, how it all could have changed

In another life couldn’t I have been a different person when there’s such an options multirange

I may wonder if I could be a writer, a dancer, a psychologist or an athlete

When truly the only thing i would want to know is if you would still leave

I never blamed you for leaving then, all I did was cry

However, I wonder should you have stayed if it weren’t for a butterfly

I used to notice small displays on the streets

Or hear the laughter of parents with their kids.

Now I see none of the above.

I think with time the world got colder.

Is it just because now I’m older?

I don’t see affection and brightness like before.

Is there still real love? Someone I can adore?

What’s worse is that the world noticed,

But everybody nodded along.

It just took a few superficial love songs,

And everyone moved on.

But I still crave genuine connection,

Not sexual or just out of sight.

I want to love and be loved

Not due to my body, but despite.

But love and people had a divorce.

There’s this space now,

Like an invisible wall,

Like an outer force.

The streets got shorter in width.

Maybe that’s why couples can’t walk holding hands on it.

Maybe it was all a myth.

People don’t dance in the kitchen,

‘Cause now songs only make you cry.

Couples don’t laugh and share;

They just play the game of who tells a better lie.

Did we not see it pass through our eyes?

We were distracted by the novels.

Life gets so romanticized,

But the truth is buried and we carry the shovels.

Let’s make the streets longer.

Let’s break out of this morbid pace.

‘Cause what a distraught thought

Of people not loving one another

Just because there wasn’t any space.

They never stop

Go about their day as if a fire has to be put out

They climb and slide and run and turn around

They work and work and work an abnormal amount

Every day I see these ants

They walk in trails

Head down, looking at the ground

Always busy checking their mails

Every day, another day, another hurry to the same destination

At least in the winter there’ll be food, they say

They even joke about a vacation

But deep down, they are just doing what everybody else is

You’re supposed to walk the trails like any ant

Looking at each and every step

But never really thinking of a goal

It’s all very abstract and there’s a hole

That’s why you should never look forward

Keep focusing on the holes and the bumps

No one wants you to really get where you’re going

‘Cause we are all just ants

she watches with her head fixed looking up

to the world that’s so much bigger than her

she looks at her mom, her sister, and her brother

what she would give to be a little taller

she would go to bed every night without throwing a fit

she would eat the broccoli and even repeat

‘cause she wants to be more

have more power, make more decisions

do all the things grown-ups can do

they say she’s not ready, “enjoy being a child”

but she thinks she could too

-------------------------------------------------

there’s this woman

she’s beautiful and decisive

but she’s a little lost

not on her goals, but on life itself

she spent too much time desiring independence

that she forgot how to ask for help

she never got to enjoy not knowing

not wanting to know

just staring at the clouds

‘cause her eyes were set up but still on earth’s ground

she’s always busy, always late

but stopping

that’s one decision she never made

---------------------------------------------------

there’s this old lady

she’s sweet but worn out

she has good stories but can’t say them out loud

there’s no one to share them with, but she made herself proud

she’s alone ‘cause she never had time for love

is she rich? is she poor?

all of the above

money isn’t her problem, but resentment is inevitable

when someone who couldn’t stop

was still for too long, her mind started to remember

she wishes for more power to do more things

she can’t believe life has passed so fast; feels like a crime

she begs to make more decisions

she’ll make better ones this time

Without rhyme

Without meaning

Without a soul

I discovered that i need the words to hit

But i made peace with the sounds

They don’t have to be the same

As long as this counts

Cause i love profound thoughts

And my love for line breaks

Has no bounds